Finally Free Page 4

  The Importance of Accountability

  The Bible is clear that believers need accountability. Listen to the words of Paul in Galatians: “Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ (Galatians 6:1–2).

  The word accountability is not found in this passage, but the text teaches two crucial lessons about our need for others in the fight against sin. First, if you are caught in a sin, you need to be restored by someone who lives by the Spirit. We are not designed to pull our way out of our spiritual ruts in our own strength. We need the help of other Christians. You will never be free from pornography until you acknowledge that in order to change you need the help of God through brothers and sisters in Christ.

  Second, this passage speaks to you if you are in the position of providing accountability for someone else. Paul instructs spiritual mentors to restore struggling persons in a spirit of gentleness and love. When we think of accountability, we often think of someone foolish and weak who is in need of someone wise and strong. However, Paul also teaches that people who are spiritually mature need the struggling persons they are helping. Jesus commands spiritual mentors to carry each other’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ. Wise mentors need struggling persons in order to obey that command.

  You may be reading this book, not as someone who struggles with pornography, but as one called to help a friend or loved one who faces this challenge. You need to guard your heart carefully against the feelings of frustration and annoyance that can occur when you are helping someone whose struggle is different from your own. The Word of God tells us that we should help to carry the burdens of those who are weaker and struggling in the battles against sin. Never forget that everyone—even if they are not struggling with this particular sin—will need help at some point. It may not be long before you need the kind of help from others that they are asking from you. Be gracious and understanding as you deal with your struggling brother or sister.

  Accountability is an essential element in the fight for purity and freedom from pornography. The Bible is clear that we need each other, whether we are the one who is caught in a transgression or the person restoring one who is. Sinners and those helping to carry their burdens need each other as they grow to be more like Christ. As Ben and I talked on that cool day, we discovered a number of problems in Ben’s battle against pornography. The problem was not his understanding of his need for accountability. Ben simply needed to understand how to use accountability more effectively than he had been. I believe there are seven principles that can help strengthen the common weakness we find in most accountability relationships, enabling them to work the way God intended them to work.

  1. Effective Accountability Doesn’t Rely Exclusively on Accountability.

  Ben’s meeting with this group of guys was the only thing he was doing to fight against porn. As important as that is, it’s not enough. In other chapters, you will learn about other strategies that are needed to win the battle. Too often, people who struggle with pornography use accountability as the only weapon in their arsenal against porn. While it is an important weapon, accountability is only one weapon among many. No matter how frequent the meetings, how open the confession, or how encouraging the group, Ben needed to broaden his approach in order to kill his sin and counter his temptation on each and every front. Limiting your weapons unnecessarily limits victory. This book points to numerous other resources Christ has given you.

  2. Effective Accountability Is Involved Early Rather Than Late.

  Perhaps your accountability meetings are similar to how Ben described his. After the group opens with prayer, Ben goes first. Everyone asks Ben how he did during the past week. He winces. “Well, guys, I didn’t do so well. The fact is, I looked at pornography twice this week.” Everyone expresses their sorrow and promises to pray.

  Steve is up next. Anticipating the question, he confesses apologetically, “I’m like Ben this week. I feel terrible, but I actually looked at pornography four times this week.” Again, there’s expression of regret all around. Everyone feels badly for Steve and tells him so. They promise to pray for him, and he believes they really will.

  Now it’s Nathan’s turn. As Steve and Ben wait to hear this third report, Nathan breaks the silence with a nervous chuckle. “Guys I’m no better than you. I had a pretty good week, but last night I gave in and looked at pornography for almost an hour.” The other guys can tell Nathan is particularly discouraged and put comforting hands on his shoulders. They assure him he is not alone in the battle and remind him of the payment Jesus made for his sin. They conclude with prayer, encouraging one another to be strong and agreeing to meet the same time next week.

  What is wrong with this meeting? Sadly, this well-intentioned conversation illustrates several defective approaches to accountability. One of those defective approaches is that these guys are only reporting on the sin they have already committed rather than asking for help to battle the temptations that precede sin. In other words, they are waiting until the end of the week to talk about all the pornography they looked at instead of calling out for help during the week—while they are tempted and before they actually sin.

  Many accountability groups function as an opportunity for a delayed confession of sin. You must change this pattern if you want to be free from porn. You must begin to reach out to your accountability partners when you are tempted instead of waiting for a meeting to confess your sins after the fact. Here is a crucial truth for you to consider: You will not experience dramatic change in your struggle as long as you use accountability to describe your sins instead of declaring your need for help in the midst of temptation. You must ask Jesus for grace and agree with those holding you accountable that you will call for help as soon as you realize you’re being tempted. Anyone who waits for the scheduled meeting to report their sins needs encouragement to engage the struggle earlier.

  3. Effective Accountability Involves Someone with Maturity.

  Another defective approach of the meeting Ben described is that, despite their sincere intentions, these young men are all at the same level of maturity and entangled in the same sin. No one in the group has the spiritual stability to counterbalance their communal confusion. None of these guys have the proven wisdom to correct their collective waywardness. No one who has experienced lasting victory is there to guide the group out of long-standing defeat. You must have someone providing leadership in your accountability group who is more advanced in holiness than the others.

  We see in Galatians 6:1–2 that those caught in sins are restored by those who live by the Spirit. Living by the Spirit doesn’t imply “perfect.” No Christian will meet that ultimate standard until they see Jesus face-to-face. This passage does indicate, however, that you need someone more advanced than yourself in the area of your struggle. Seeking accountability from those who are in the same place in their struggle as you are may make you feel comfortable but is unlikely to lead to actual change. You must be accountable to someone who has a track record of victory in sexual purity. This kind of person is best equipped to point you toward freedom in your own life.

  4. Effective Accountability Involves Someone with Authority.

  It is crucial to be accountable to someone with more maturity, but you must go one step further. You must also be accountable to someone with spiritual authority to help you change. If you wonder what I mean, look at Hebrews 13:17: “Have confidence in your leaders and submit to their authority, because they keep watch over you as those who must give an account.” God has provided his people with leaders who possess spiritual authority. We are called to follow these spiritual leaders because they are overseeing and protecting our souls. They will answer directly to God for how they fulfill their responsibility.

  Such leaders have a number of tools in their accountability toolbox that other matur
e Christians do not have. One tool is the ability to make appeals based on their objective and God-given spiritual authority. It’s more sobering to be called to repentance by a pastor than by a person in your community group. This difference is not related to any distinction in personal worth. Rather, God has given more spiritual authority to spiritual leaders.

  Spiritual leaders also possess the ability to lead the entire church to correct members who refuse to repent of persistent sinful patterns. God has instituted a process for calling to repentance Christians who are caught in a pit of sin. First, they are to be confronted by an individual, then by several Christians together, and then by the entire church (Matthew 18:15–20). The rebellious church member can repent at any of these three steps. If they refuse, Jesus says they are to be removed from the church. Spiritual leaders are equipped to initiate this formal process in a way that other Christians are not.

  Church discipline, as this process is often called, is a kind of accountability all its own. Christians who love Christ and love being associated with his church will be more diligent to fight against pornography rather than face formal correction and discipline by those in their church.

  Our weakened Christian culture often views this kind of accountability as unloving or authoritarian. Many groups do this kind of thing, however. Businesses hold their employees accountable to their corporate values and standards of conduct. Honorable sports teams are often known for “policing the locker room.” Civic organizations enforce ethical requirements among their membership. If the surrounding culture is willing to impose their rules, how much more should the church and her members be devoted to this when the very Word of God is at stake!

  If you have never confessed your sin to one of the spiritual authorities in your church, you are cutting yourself off from a crucial source of spiritual help. You need them if you are as serious as you should be about being set free from the grip of pornography.

  5. Effective Accountability Should Avoid Explicit Details.

  The recommendations in this chapter are meant to improve the effectiveness of accountability relationships, but this particular recommendation does more than improve effectiveness—it actually keeps conversations from becoming a disaster. The unfortunate truth is that when people share their struggles in a graphic way, it can intensify temptations. Sadly, it is possible for an accountability conversation that was intended for good to become something that introduces a struggling sinner to new places and ways to find pornography rather than helping him battle his fleshly desires. Participants in the group can unwisely share explicit details about the kinds of pornography they watch, discuss the characteristics of the actors in the porn they view, or identify where they located their porn. Unnecessary details like these can turn accountability from a helpful context for finding freedom into a harmful place for fueling temptation.

  Pay attention to Paul’s wisdom when he writes, “Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret” (Ephesians 5:11–12). There is a wonderful tension in these verses. On the one hand, Paul encourages you to expose your unfruitful works of darkness, the sexual sins you have committed. On the other hand, he says that it is shameful even to speak of the dark deeds done in secret. In other words, you are to expose the shameful works of darkness but not speak of them. That’s quite a tension! How are you to do both?

  You will balance these two truths by describing enough of your struggle that those helping you know how to keep you accountable but not giving so much detail that it would fuel further temptation. Your accountability partner needs to know, in broad terms, how you access pornography (for example, they need to know if you seek it out on the Internet or buy it from a store). They need to know approximately how much time you spend viewing pornography, and if you’re looking at styles of pornography that are different from what they might expect. For example, you should make it clear if you are watching homosexual pornography, child pornography, or other types that indicate a specific kind of struggle beyond viewing acts of more typical sexual immorality. The wisest approach is to describe particular temptations in general terms. You cross a biblical line when you give detailed descriptions of the scenes you’ve viewed or explain the specifics of where you located your porn.

  6. Effective Accountability Places the Responsibility for Confession on the Person with the Problem.

  There are all sorts of accountability questions floating around out there that spiritual mentors are supposed to ask those they’re seeking to help. They begin with questions like: Did you look at pornography this week? Did you make any attempt to look at pornography this week? The questions continue until the final one—the fail-safe question—is asked: Did you lie to me in any of your answers? There’s nothing inherently wrong with these questions when an accountability relationship is just starting out. It’s a bad idea, however, to continue in this way for very long. Accountability oriented around questions and answers can devolve into a cat-and-mouse game in which the struggler provides legally precise answers that are something less than a full and open disclosure of sin. Even when the confession is totally honest, what gets confessed can easily be limited to the question asked.

  The responsibility to confess sin and expose the darkness lies with the person who has committed the sin. It’s not the job of spiritual mentors to go on a fishing expedition to reel in a confession from those they are trying to help. A person passively waiting to provide answers to specific questions is in a far different place spiritually than a person who is willing to take the initiative to expose their struggles in the pure light of day. In other words, keep the responsibility where it belongs and simply invite the person to share where they have sinned and need help. This will reveal just how much help a person looking at pornography really wants. Accountability leads to freedom much more quickly when conversations grow into times of honest and free confession on the part of the struggler. Spiritual mentors can certainly begin with questions to start the conversation, but they should also keep in mind the goal—full and free confession without the prompting of questions or probing to uncover hidden secrets.

  7. Effective Accountability Must Actually Hold People Accountable.

  One final correction you may need to make in your accountability relationship is finding someone with the desire and the ability actually to hold you accountable. In many groups there is a lot of reporting but no real accountability. Ben, Nathan, and Steve have no way of knowing whether the other guys in their group are telling the truth. It wouldn’t be at all surprising, for example, to discover that Steve looked at pornography ten times instead of the four he confessed. We don’t have to assume that Steve lied, but guys who look at porn often do. The point is that nobody really knows. If you’re going to hold people accountable, you should actually hold them accountable. If you want others to hold you accountable, you should seek out people who will really do it. It’s a bad idea just to listen to what people say without discernment, evaluation, and—when necessary—verification.

  True accountability involves three elements. First, you need to find someone who understands that the commitment to accountability is more than simply the commitment to meet regularly. They must be willing to take time through the week to pray for you, call you, answer your calls, and check up on you. The calling to be a spiritual person who restores another caught in a sin is a high and holy calling that requires time.

  True accountability also requires someone who possesses the biblical knowledge and practical wisdom to guide you toward purity. This does not require years of experience or advanced degrees. It can be any growing Christian who is walking in sexual purity and is willing to read this book along with you.

  Finally, true accountability requires an effort to be committed in the long term. It’s quite typical for these sorts of relationships to start strong, only to taper off after a relatively short period. When people get lazy and stop trying, failure is not far be
hind. Be sure your group is praying to be diligent over the long haul.

  You Need Grace to be Accountable

  Accountability is an important biblical strategy in your fight for purity with the power of grace. Yet accountability is not productive in and of itself. Accountability must function properly if it’s going to work. It’s better to avoid driving than to drive a car with no brakes. In the same way, you can actually harm your pursuit of freedom if you don’t ensure that your accountability is working as it should.

  The right kind of accountability—characterized by initiative, openness, clean conversation, maturity, and serious answerability for sin—is hard. It takes more than guts to pursue it; it takes grace. Perhaps you have read this and are worried about entering this kind of relationship. If you are, confess to God that you’re tempted to hide, seek the forgiving grace of Jesus, and then fight in prayer for the transforming grace to pursue real accountability. God knows your heart. He knows what you need, and he is eager to help you when you ask in faith.

  Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace

  1. Make a list of a few spiritually mature Christians you respect and would like to join you in accountability. Ideally, they should be believers from your local church or shared ministry who will encounter you in the normal course of life.

  2. Make an appointment with your pastor, youth minister, community group leader, or some other Christian in spiritual authority over you. Talk to them about your struggle and ask if they would be willing to read this book with you, or if someone on your list may be a better choice. Also be willing to consider they may have a better suggestion you didn’t consider.